And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
