my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
