I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
