I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
