My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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