Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
