....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
