he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
