Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
