Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
