I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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