People in love make me want to vomit
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
