nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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