Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
