Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
40s are totally the cure
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
