then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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