i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
