I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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