I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
