I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Randomize
