I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
