My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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