dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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