is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
