I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
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I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.