just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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