Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
