the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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