Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
