seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
