Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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