yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
