I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
