this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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