just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
