Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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