Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Alive.
So much puke
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
