Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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