I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
