I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
