Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
