I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize