Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
