if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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