So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
we're so committed to being not committed
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