Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
