I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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