i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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