i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
