the condom got lost in my hair
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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