My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
