dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
