just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
