Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
