And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize