I just saw a hot homeless man
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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