just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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