Well douche your snatch and let's go!
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
