It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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