woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
