I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
